


We'll Make a Million Mistakes

by masterroadtripper



Series: Telling Our Story [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: (Just a fair warning), (Lots of self harm and sometimes its a little graphic), Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 18:05:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17854544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Lin goes missing in the theatre two hours before a show.  His boyfriends find him in his dressing room mid-anxiety attack.Read the tags please <3





	We'll Make a Million Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Two things to add before we get started...
> 
> 1) this is an RPF and I wrote it for the sake of exploring a character and pairing while trying to maintain the authenticity of the original person. Nothing more, nothing less. If you don't like this, or if you think RPF's are creepy or weird, just leave, don't bother leaving a comment about it because I will just delete the comment
> 
> 2) this does mention self-harm in relative detail. In case you didn't read the tags or forgot what you read within 5 seconds, this is your warning.
> 
> Lastly, if you have something nice to say about this, I would really like to hear it <3

Tommy thought – no knew – something was wrong when he hadn’t seen Lin in a while. Before a show Lin would always be ready, in costume, practically running around behind stage satisfying his weird urge to be everywhere at all times and interact with anyone he could find. Which was odd, because people and too many of them caused Lin’s anxiety to flare up, yet he also craved that insane interaction. But he couldn’t find Lin anywhere. He wasn’t in his dressing room, in the pit with Lac, running around with Groff or Oak, watching tv with Daveed and Leslie, laying on the sofa joking around with Pippa and Jas, with Chris singing some old In The Heights songs and he wasn’t hanging out with the backstage crew in the crossover. He had seemingly vanished into mid air.

Pulling out his phone, he opened his texting app and sent off a quick, “ _have you seen Lin in a while?_ ” to Lac. He knew that Lin was still physically in the Richard Rodgers because he had checked the sign-in/out book, but he was completely missing.

_No, I haven’t_

_Not since we got here_

_Why?_

_I haven’t seen him in a while_

_You think he’s hiding from us?_

_Probably_

_Wouldn’t be the first time_

_Have you checked his and Groff’s dressing room?_

_I tried the door_

_Locked and lights were off_

_Have you seen Groff?_

_He was in the common room with Pippa and Ant_

_He’s probably hiding from us in the dark_

_That hasn't happened since Heights, right?_

_Yeah_

_More often than he would care to admit_

_I’m heading back there now_

_Okay._

_I’ll see you at his DR then_

Tommy headed through the crossover and over to the dressing room that should have had a permanent sign on the door for him by now. It was the room he got during In The Heights and now the one that he and Groff had been sharing for the first eight days into Hamilton’s run on Broadway.

He wasn’t sure what was causing Lin to have just _disappeared_ , but during their college days when they shared a dorm, Lin would lock himself away in his room for hours at a time when his anxiety got so bad he couldn’t stand to function around other people. Not even his boyfriend. He hoped that it wasn’t the stress of the show finally kicking in.

Lac ran up towards him, not even out of breath. Even though they were currently looking for the last piece of their circle and the most important part of their show, Tommy found his breath catch as he saw Lac. Because the man was in his dress pants, but had yet to get the top half on and was in a skin tight white under-shirt. Pushing all sexy-thoughts far from his brain, Tommy reached out and knocked on the door.

“Hey Lin? You in there?” They stood in silence for a few seconds before they were able to hear a soft whimper through the closed door. So Lin _was_ in the room.

“Lin?” Tommy said again before pulling his skeleton key from his pocket. One of the perks of being the director of the show. But now, he wasn’t the director of Hamilton, he was just Tommy. The boyfriend of Lin and Lac and the man who had gotten Lin through his worst anxiety in college. He could do this.

“Its us baby,” Tommy said as he pushed the door open, “its Tommy and Alex.” He noticed Lac reaching for the light switch and swatted his hand down. Shaking his head at Lac, he walked farther into the room slowly, being careful to not make the floor creak and make any noise that would make Lin more panicked.

“Where are you Lin?” Tommy asked into the still dark room. He figured that there was no way that Lin would actually answer. On days where he hid in the dark, he typically couldn’t even speak. But if he whimpered again, they could use Lac’s amazing musical ears to help pinpoint their missing boyfriend. Motioning to Lac to listen, the pianist turned up the sound on his hearing aids before Tommy called for Lin one more time. They heard the whimper again, from the washroom, it sounded like. Moving that way, Lac following Tommy, he slowly pushed open the door to the washroom.

In the light from the small outside-facing window, Lin sat, wedged between the toilet and the wall. Tommy felt his stomach drop as he saw the path of destruction through the washroom. Lin’s blue shirt, the one that he had wore into the theatre that morning was sitting balled up in the sink – soaked in water. There was a tipped over cup of water and his toothbrush was on the floor. The medicine cabinet door was hanging wide open and one of the shelves had become unhooked, spilling containers of pills and a canister of shaving cream onto the counter and floor. Tommy begun frantically looking around for something very specific. Something that he hadn’t had to look for since their In The Heights days, but then again, he hadn’t seen Lin in a state this bad since then either.

“Lac,” Tommy whispered, low enough that Lin couldn’t hear, “look for his razor, I can’t see it.” Tommy watched as Lac’s face dropped, but thankfully asked no questions. They had both seen Lin naked many times, both in the platonic and sexual sense of the word. They both knew what laid under his tee-shirts and jeans. It wasn’t exactly a secret anymore. But Lin’s skin was healed and had been for years.

“Lin,” Tommy said, sitting down on the floor in his direct eye-line, “can you breathe with me?” He reached out and put his hand on Lin’s exposed ankle. His breathing was fast and shaky, his chest moving up and down shallowly and quickly. “Breathe with me, kay? One, two, three, four, four, three, two, one.”

“Tommy,” Lac said, leaning into Tommy’s ear and whispering low enough for Lin to not hear, “I can’t find any of the blades.” So he had taken apart his razor. Of course he had. Oldest trick in the book. Or the one Lin used to use most often. Seven years. He had been clean for seven years. Since In The Heights finished its Broadway run. Tommy knew how much Lin would beat himself up for this once he got back inside his head. Now the question was, where had he cut and where was that damn razor blade?

“Lin, let's breathe together some more, yeah?” Tommy said, rubbing his thumb over Lin’s ankle some more. “One, two, three, four, four, three, two, one.” Motioning towards Lin, he mouthed to Lac, “keep him breathing.” Lac took over the counting from Tommy once he stood up and moved so Lac could take his spot on the floor. Since Lac was keeping Lin breathing, he looked over their boyfriend to see if he could see any cuts. When Lin breathed deeply, Tommy saw the blood. It was hid from where Lin had folded his hands over his stomach, but the breathing exposed the cuts. Of course. His belly. The main source of all his problems. He should have looked there first. It didn’t seem like he had the piece of mind to try to put anything on the cuts to stem the blood flow yet, so once they got Lin calmed down, that would be the first thing they’d have to do. His arms seemed to be applying enough pressure to at least prevent too much blood loss.

“Can you move for us honey?” Tommy requested of Lin over the counting that Lac was doing. He shifted a little, as if considering the words through the fog that was clouding his head.

“Lets move to your bed, yeah?” Tommy requested again. Lin’s breathing had evened out a little. Not nearly as slow or controlled as it should have been, but better than the rapid pace before. Lin unfolded his long arms from his torso, giving them a good view of...what he had done to himself.

“Okay Tommy,” he said, the words like music to his ears. Lac and Tommy helped pull him up and support him as they moved him the five short steps from where he had wedged himself next to the toilet to the tiny bed next to his desk. Once they had moved Lin from his perch, Tommy saw the bloody razor. It was on the floor underneath the window sill. At least they didn’t have to search him for it.

Lac turned on one of the lamps and they laid Lin down on the bed, his head supported by his pillow, Groff’s pillow and Tommy’s jacket.

“Honey, can you hear us?” Tommy asked, running his thumb in circles on Lin’s wrist.

“Yeah Tommy,” Lin said, his eyes trained firmly on the roof, “can–…”

“What do you want Lin?” Tommy asked, “want me to lay down with you?” That was something they always used to do. Even before either of them came out or started dating, if Lin had an anxiety attack or a panic attack, he wanted physical comfort once he managed to regain some control over his own mind.

“Can Alex?” Lin asked softly, like he was worried about upsetting Tommy.

“Of course baby,” Lac said, climbing over Lin carefully before wedging himself between their boyfriend and the wall. He didn’t jostle any of the slowly clotting wounds on Lin’s belly thankfully, and Lin seemed to settle more with Lac touching him.

“Lin, honey, I’m gonna patch you up, okay?” Tommy said, watching as Lin’s dark brown eyes blinked a few times before he nodded. He had seen Lin’s first aid kit under the skin – Lac had put it there when Hamilton started its run at the Richard Rodgers. He pulled out the antiseptic wipes and quietly thanked whatever deity that was watching over the three of them that Lac had to come into the theatre early. It meant that they still had about two hours before Lin had to go on stage and pretend to the world that he was Alexander Hamilton. That he had no anxiety, that he didn’t have dozens and dozens of cutting scars covering his stomach and thighs.

“This is gonna sting Lin,” Tommy said before reaching out and wiping down Lin’s belly. Yeah, it was a little soft in places. He wasn’t as skin-and-bones as when they had first met back in college, he wasn’t as healthy as he was during In The Heights, but he wasn’t fat and he wasn’t unhealthy. Sure he wasn’t lean and muscled like Lac, but he wasn’t overweight.

Once Tommy had wiped the blood away, he was able to see the new cuts he had added. Nine new scars to add to his collection. They crossed and bisected others, but from what Tommy could see, they weren’t deep and hadn’t caused much major damage other than to the skin.

“Time for some polysporin,” Tommy muttered, just as much to himself as to Lin and Lac. He took the little tube out of the first aid kit and applied it liberally to Lin’s stomach. “There you go baby, these will heal up in no time. Do they hurt?”

“No,” Lin said too quickly.

“Lin,” Tommy replied in warning. He knew that Lin would refuse pain killers because he believed that he deserved the pain. But between Tommy and Lac, they were working on helping him not only accept help and comfort but also ask for it.

“I guess I could use some,” Lin said, flopping his head back down on the pillow/jacket pile.

“We want our wonderful Hamilton performing at top notch tonight,” Lac said, poking his head up from where it was resting on Lin’s shoulder. He leaned over and kissed their boyfriend, bringing a smile to him face for the first time that afternoon.

“Lets bandage this and get you into your costume,” Tommy said, pulling out some gauze and tape before applying it over to Lin’s torso. Once it was all taped down and secured so nothing would come loose during the show, Tommy smiled and leaned over to plant a tender kiss to Lin’s lips.

“Wanna get into your costume now honey?” Lac asked, tracing one of his long pianist finger tips down the side of Lin’s face.

“It’ll probably make you feel better,” Tommy added before perching on the bed and resting his hand on Lin’s thigh. Physical comfort, physical grounding, it was what he craved after an attack like that. And the costume, well, Lin always enjoyed being a showman and becoming someone or something different. Alexander Hamilton let him get out of his own head for two and a half hours every night.

“Don’t you guys have something better to do than look after me?” Lin grumbled, his eyes not leaving their place on the roof. Lac leaned into Lin’s side more forcefully and intertwined their fingers.

“No Lin, there’s nothing I have to be doing for another hour,” Tommy replied, rubbing his hand up and down Lin’s thigh, soft and constant. Four seconds up, four seconds down, repeat. Consistency, keep the air flow moving long and deep. “And even if I did, you are so much more important to us than any work I may have to do.”

They hung together for a little while longer, Lin and Lac practically laying on top of each other with Tommy laid across their calfs. It was surprisingly comfortable and reassured Tommy greatly, being able to feel Lin’s pulse, now strong and even.

“Something goes wrong every night,” Lin muttered after a while of silence. Tommy knew it probably didn’t feel like silence to Lin, his brain never stopped talking anyways, but to him and Lac, the room had been quiet.

“What do you mean?” Lac asked, shifting a little. Tommy pushed himself to sitting, tucking Lin and Lac’s feet into his lap. From his new vantage point, he could Lin’s chest rising and falling quicker again. He reached down and grasped one of Lin’s ankles, rubbing his thumb in circles. Four counts per complete circle.

“Just, every night something different has happened. It hasn’t been as smooth as it was at the Public. And that’s saying something.”

“This is a massive step for most of the cast, you just have to remember that. I bet once we get through this week, it’ll move a lot smoother,” Tommy tried to reason. Of course Lin was beating himself up about this. But this was a massive change that the show was facing. In the Public Theatre, there was a much smaller audience, a much smaller stage, a smaller ensemble and no massive fucking turntable in the middle of the stage. They were only eight days into its run on Broadway, and Tommy, as the director, thought it was going amazingly.

“It's only been nine shows honey,” Lac started saying before slowing fading his voice out as realization hit the both of them. Nine shows. Nine cuts. Nine things that Lin blamed himself for.

“Yeah. Nine days of things not going to plan. This isn’t what Broadway is supposed to be. We’re supposed to be the best of the best and we haven’t managed to have one flawless show,” Lin said, focusing his eyes back on the roof.

“Heights didn’t settle into a good rhythm until the end of the second week, remember?” Tommy said, continuing his thumbs circles on Lin’s ankle. No need for another attack to start now.

“But that was our first show we’d done on Broadway. But Hamilton isn’t our first time. So what are we doing wrong?” he asked, voice getting its tinny quality to it. Like what happened when he forgot about his self consciousness of his Puerto Rican accent enough to let his thoughts just flow.

“You’re not doing anything wrong Lin, you have to believe us,” Lac said. “And before you say it, Hamilton wasn’t a mistake. This transition is not a mistake,” Tommy said and when Lin cracked his smart-ass smile and looked down from the roof, he knew he was right. “Society needs Hamilton right now. You’re bringing hope to people and that is surely not a mistake. You’re telling them what they need to hear.”

“You two know me too well,” Lin said, turning his head to look at Lac’s blue eyes and giving him a smile before turning back to Tommy and giving him a smile.

“I sure hope I know you well by now,” Tommy replied before untangling himself from the pile of legs and pressing a kiss to Lin’s lips.

“I need to get changed then to hair and makeup,” Lin said when they broke apart. Their boyfriend begun to squirm so Tommy climbed off the bed and went in search of Lin’s stage undershirt. The slippery material that he would eventually tuck his mic cord down. It took a little rummaging through the disaster that was Groff and Lin’s dressing room before he found it. The two men had only been sharing this room for eight days and it already looked like a tasmanian devil had made a home in it. Or, two tasmanian devils.

“Here you go,” Tommy said, passing the while shirt to Lin. He was now sitting on the edge of the bed, legs hanging off the edge while Lac was working on scooching towards the end. Pulling the shirt down over top of the bandages, Tommy could see a grin ghosting over Lin’s lips. He was already becoming Hamilton and that on its own was making him happier.

“I need to get back to the pit,” Lac said, running a hand through his lengthening brown curls, “I’ll come check on you at intermission.” Planting a kiss on Lin’s lips then Tommy’s, Lac scurried out of the room, his half-dressed body moving gracefully down the hall.

“Where’s Groff?” Lin asked, suddenly looking around the room, as if by that simple motion, it would make the man appear from somewhere he obviously wasn’t.

“Watching Big Bang Theory with Pippa and Ant in the common room, last I checked. Probably hasn’t moved since I last saw him,” Tommy replied, once again going in search for something that had gotten buried in the disaster zone that was the room. “Where’s your bag?”

“Under the desk I think,” Lin replied while pulling his hair out of its sloppy ponytail and running his fingers through it.

“Have a snack,” Tommy said, passing Lin a snack bag of goldfish that he had packed that morning before leaving their apartment. If Lin lost even as much blood that Tommy thought he had, he’d need to put something in his stomach sooner than later.

“Not hungry,” Lin replied, grabbing his hair brush off the desk and pulling it through his hair.

“Not a question,” Tommy said, taking the brush from his hands and handing over the bag.

“Fine,” Lin replied, opening the bag and eating one of the white coloured crackers. Tommy took a chunk of unbrushed black hair in his hand and ran the brush through it gently. They stayed like that, Tommy brushing Lin’s hair while eating goldfish for a while before Lin turned and looked at Tommy, locking eyes.

“I’m sorry Tommy,” he said and actually looked sorry, unlike how he would look back in college. Not happy or pleased, but actual, genuine remorse and guilt.

“It’s okay Lin,” Tommy said, “next time come find me or Lac or someone before you get to feeling so crappy. We’ll talk it out, but you have to find someone to figure it out with, yeah?”

“I know,” Lin said before eating another handful of goldfish.

“So, was it just the shows that were getting you stressed, or was it something else?” Tommy asked, putting the hairbrush down and opting to sit next to Lin and lace their fingers together, shoulders touching. Lin’s answer was just a haphazard shrug.

“C’mon honey, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” Tommy reasoned.

“Everyone looks so good in their costumes. I’m just fat-Hamilton,” Lin said, putting the bag of crackers on the bed, “its fats-navi all over again.”

“Oh Lin, you aren’t fat,” Tommy replied, “and you never were.”

“But everyone is so fit...and I’m not.”

“You’re perfect though,” Tommy said before deciding to switch tactics, “can you still sing all your lines with power?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you do all your choreography without getting out of breath and still being able to sing afterwards?”

“Yeah, as much as I have.”

“Can you keep up with Tobillo?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you keep up with Lac and I?”

“Most of the time,” Lin finished with a laugh, "it sounds ridiculous when you put it that way.”

“See, you’re perfect honey,” Tommy said before changing the topic, “now grab your crackers and get your rear end down to hair and makeup.”

“Are you telling me as my boyfriend or my director?” Lin asked while he stood from the bed.

“Both, now get going. I’ll try to find you before the show,” Tommy said, giving Lin a parting kiss as he headed in the opposite direction down the hallway.

* * *

“Good luck out there darling,” Tommy said, carefully pulling Lin in for a hug. His beautiful boyfriend was all dressed up in his full white get-up for the first number of the show. His gorgeous black hair was gelled back into its ponytail and his mic was taped down the back of his neck. Lin fiddled with the fluffy sleeves of his shirt and adjusted his jacket and vest for probably the seventh time since they had moved into the wings from the dressing room areas.

“I’ll see you and Lac at intermission,” Lin replied, planting a soft kiss to Tommy’s lips before running off stiffly to join the rest of the cast for the top of the show. He would never tell Lin, but if he told Anthony, Pippa and Jas to be more careful with him than usual, God was his only witness.

**Author's Note:**

> a) I'd like to acknowledge firstdegreefangirl and their fic "he sent a blue dot" for enlightening me to the pairing of Tommy/Lac/Lin and the idea of anxiety in this fandom.
> 
> b) I tried to keep this as realistic as possible, drawing on personal experience, the experience of others, etc... but if there's a glaringly obvious mistake, please let me know and I'll do my absolute best to fix it.
> 
> c) the fats-navi comment comes from the interview Lin-Manuel Miranda had done with Bradway.com during In The Heights. He says it three or four times in relation to himself in the span of 12(ish) minutes, so I thought it would be something interesting to include.
> 
> d) Alex Lacamoire (Lac) has hearing aids in real life. I just added a little mention to them.
> 
> e) I wrote this to help work through some of my own mental issues. Please don't be too mean <3


End file.
